Doubts

Life is pretty good right now. It's also pretty horrible.
Jillian called me the other day. To be to the point she tore up my heart. She knows me well we have been through everything together. She knows the old me, the new me, the fake me, the real me, the KIM. She knows it. So she knows how to mess with me when she gets angry. She is angry.

I understand.

I understand her anger COMPLETLEY. I was in her same shoes not even two months ago. I try to explain that to her bur she is blinded by her rage and fury. It makes me so sad. It hurts that she can't even comprehend my half. It makes me upset that I can't convey it to her in way that she gets it.

Instead she confirms all my worst fears. That I am a truly horrible person. I liar, a fake ... A person that only has friends because she pretends to be something she is not. She questions everything I have worked hard to gain. All those doubts that were placed into my mind .... that tell me everyday that i'm not good. She gives them strength and nourishment. She makes them truth.

I didn't mean to hurt her. I didn't even realize I was doing it... which is perhaps the worst part. I feel so sorry I dont know how to show her that its one of the biggest regrets of my life. But it was something I had to do. There wasn't even an option.

She means to hurt. She aims to. Its her target. And she never misses